An Alternative Christmas

Red, green and gold are not really my colour. Sparkly lights may be a welcome distraction from rammed high streets but comedy jumpers and institutionalised fun are sadly not high on my agenda. Needless to say, Christmas can be a difficult time of year for someone with such bah humbug tendencies as myself. But, as usual, London is delivering a veritable feast of events throughout the festive period, wherever you may sit on the seasonal spectrum.

Cast aside the panic-inducing squashes and sickening scent of over-sugared churros and children we have come to expect from some of London’s more popular Christmas markets – Southbank and the optimistically titled Winter Wonderland, we’re looking at you. Solace can be found south of the river in Kew in their festive extravaganza, Christmas at Kew (until 4 January). As night falls, the tranquil surroundings of Kew are transformed into a small but perfectly formed Christmas village complete with design market from We Make London, Victorian fairground rides and Santa’s Grotto for the young ones. The highlight is their Illuminated Light Trail, a mile-long walk off the beaten track, beneath the trees and beside the lakes, as the forests are brought to life with beautiful light and sound installations – festive, without a jingle bell in sight.

This Christmas, the horror doesn’t just reside on Oxford Street. Kensington Palace invites you for an Eerie Evening Tour, (Fridays until 31 January), letting you wander the derelict corridors in the dark as you learn about the mysterious sights, unexplained happenings and gruesome disasters that befell these historic walls.

Elsewhere, a body has been discovered under the frozen Thames – and everyone is under suspicion. The London Dungeon presents its latest seasonal thrill in Ghost of Christmas (until 5 January) as a haunting spectre emerges from her icy grave to seek revenge. Add that to the usual japes of Sweeney Todd and the Ripper and your family Christmas won’t look too frightful. One of the much talked about plays of the latter part of 2013, Let the Right One In continues to chill at the Royal Court Theatre (until 21 December). Tickets may be sparse but this is your chance to catch this eerie tale of a strange ‘young’ girl, her new friend Oskar and their vampiric friendship in the intimate surroundings of Jerwood Downstairs before its anticipated West End transfer.

More festive treats are being served up at Soho Theatre with their alternative, darkly funny Christmas musical, The Night Before Christmas  (until 5 January) with thieving elves, Christmas magic and white powder that probably wouldn’t make the best snowman. Elsewhere, Christmas gets camp at Theatre 503 with the help of Margaret Thatcher Queen of Soho (until 4 January) as the Iron Lady returns for a drag comedy cabaret musical Christmas extravaganza – now with more tinsel and fairy lights. Alongside Maggie, expect ‘malarkey, mirth and molestation’, as puppetry’s Balkan bad boys Boris and Sergey take us on a Vaudevillan Christmas Adventure (until 11 January) for the more twisted little elves. For the thrifty amongst us, take advantage of Theatre 503’s Pay What You Can Sundays.

Over in east London, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse… Most likely because they had all been rounded up for Taxidermy Class at Hackney City Farm (Friday 20 December), offering a macabre alternative to homemade Christmas presents. Bringing your own props is encouraged – pop a Christmas hat on the little guy for that anthropomorphic festive finish.

For a more wholesome Christmas evening, head to Everyman’s Enchanted Pictures at Royal Academy of Arts (until 29 December) as they present a cinematic installation of seasonal snacks, cocktails and classic festive films including family favourites such as The Wizard of Oz, decadent evenings with The Great Gatsby and the inevitable Christmas classics like It’s A Wonderful Life.

Whatever your festive fetish, Merry Christmas from The London Word!