A Guide to Valentine’s Day

I hate to be the one to tell you but, you are in the hands of a hardened cynic to help plan your Valentine’s Day this year. Whether you are breathlessly besotted or more of vitriol than Valentine, to help you choose how you could be spending such a romantic of days, we’ve positioned a selection of events from across the Valentine’s spectrum.

If it hasn’t got a heart on it, I’m not buying…
Riding high on the wings of love? The London Eye  team are rounding up lovers in their pods for a special weekend of romance with a series of packages ranging from Hotel Chocolat luxury chocolates, champagne and canapes to the ‘Cupid’s Capsule’ giving you and your loved one a private capsule complete with your standard chocolates, champagne and a red rose for half an hour. Because nothing says romance like brevity.

What would Valentine’s Day be without a good swinging? Everyone’s favourite vintage peddlers, Itchy Feet, are on hand with their Valentine’s Day Spectacular at Concrete. Expect the same top notch old funk, soul, reggae, ska and rock n roll and a whole lot of dancing – except tonight couples can enjoy joint tickets for £12.

In the lead up to V-Day, Shoreditch’s Boxpark will be host to everything from flower arranging and cheesy movies to free DJ events. Sadly, we’ve missed the voodoo doll making workshop. Head along on Thursday as Shorebitch x HYPE’s Valentine’s Party kicks off from the reasonable hour of 6-9pm including free strawberry daiquiris for couples. Time to grab a stranger…

Distinctly medium but could be coerced by some gentle petting…
For the more culturally inclined, IdeasTap is taking over RichMix for a week of multidisciplinary events including theatre, film, scratch events and performance in their Love Takeover (12-16 February). Poetry, songs and letters come together to create an intimate theatrical experience in a series of one-on-one encounters with emerging company, Invertigo in Miscellany, while poet Inua Ellams features in the lovingly curated poetry performance, I Heart Poetry. Events are free but allocated on a first come first serve basis online.

Spend the night with your favourite husky voiced, sexually confusing animated character as Jessica Rabbit croons her way around the stunning Troxy in Future Cinema’s latest live cinema offering, Who Framed Roger Rabbit (until 23 February).

Valentine’s clubbers, head for the dark decadence of Waterloo’s underbelly at Vault Festival’s Art of Hearts where the Artful Badger will present a night of secret performances, installations, aerialistes, dancers, DJs and all manner of romantic rampant treats. Elsewhere, Proud Camden doubles up the official Foals After Party with their alternative Valentine’s night with a Foals DJ set plus live bands, Instagram booths, fake tattooists, make-up artists and roaming matchmakers for their LOVE/HATE themed night to keep you out of/get you into mischief.

Unveiling all that is too risqué for the day, the Museum of London keeps its doors open for their Valentine’s special, Late London: City of Seduction, a night of nudity (life drawing), dance psychologists to teach you the best mating rituals from history, absinthe tasting with Distillnation and even some Georgian prostitutes. Also known as my standard Friday night.

Are you shitting me?
There’s nothing worse than watching your love life go down the shitter once again, but with Loo Tours, you will be under no pretence that your date is headed down the toilet. Discover some of London’s most historic bathrooms in Bloomsbury, Waterloo and the West End with a unique take on your bog-standard city walking tour.

Resigned to being a cat lady/man? Don’t worry, Battersea Dogs & Cat Home are inviting you to meet some furry friends – and cats – in the purrfectly titled, Feline Lonely featuring Cat Cuddle Booths, complimentary champagne and matchmaking for all species.

Lovely.