Don’t Bother With Broadway Market

I’m sick of seeing people crowd into my cosy locale every weekend that the sun shines. That’s why, for once, I am not going to talk about the plus points of London Fields and Broadway Market. Instead you’re going to find out why exactly you shouldn’t come all the way east to barbecue and buy overpriced cheeses.

For starters, everything surrounding the area is a bit of an urban wasteland. If you come into Hackney through the overground station you’re in dangerous territory on the edge of the Pembury Estate; remember when we had those riots in Hackney last year? That was the epicentre. Then you have to walk across London Fields; a couple of people have been shot there.

Once you get across the park you’re forced to shuffle along the market with a twat-in-a-hat wedged either side of you until you can eventually stop somewhere that’s serving food. This might only be the chance you get to stand still so you’re then forced to buy some overpriced burger that comes with too much rocket and not enough ketchup. A few stalls on you come to a halt and again you’re strong-armed into buying some sickly looking cheesecake that you don’t really want. And on it goes – shuffle, stop, eat – until you’ve spent entirely too many pounds on food that didn’t fill you.

Then you’ll need a coffee, or a beer. Wherever you go you’ll be required to queue for a disproportionately long time. Your drink won’t be better than anything you can buy anywhere else in London, and you’ll pay more for it. There won’t be anywhere for you to sit and no one will want to talk to you because they’re all far too cool for small talk. Most likely, they’ll laugh at your hat because it’s so last week, you know?

Sooner or later you’ll find your way to ‘The Fields’ where you’ll be surrounded by other visitors who have come east for the day. There’ll be none of those cool people you came here to see because they’ve all found somewhere else to hang out and they’re not telling anyone else about it. There’ll be loads of screaming children because their mums and dads heard that it was a lovely place to hang out with the little ones.

As soon as you sit down someone’s slobbery dog will come bounding over to lick your face and it’s quite likely that when you stand up you’ll have dog shit on your arse. It doesn’t sound so good now, does it? Hanging out where east London’s cool kids used to spend their Saturdays just isn’t as attractive when you realise that you’re behind the times.

So do yourself a favour this weekend. Use the cash you’d spend on scallop sandwiches to buy a train ticket to the beach instead. Or head to Hyde Park – there’ll be loads fewer tourists.

Image by Bex Walton courtesy of Flickr