Polo in the Park

‘Morley’s all over it like a fat kid on a cupcake,’ blasts the excited Antipodean voice.

‘Henry hit it with his handbag,’ squeals the commentator as Henry misses a goal from close range. ‘When he moves from the rear he has as much reach as a sick dog’.

This was MINT polo in the park at Fulham’s Hurlingham Park and the commentary was very funny. Part (I guess) of their aim was to make the sport fashionable again, bringing it to the masses by simplifying the rules. They’ve reduced the size of the pitch and cut the number of players on each side from four to three. Not realising this, I had trouble working out why there were seven players until informed one was the umpire.

We watched Team City AM New York – Jack Kidd, Henry Brett and Jamie Morrison – take on Team Okritie Moscow – Jack Richardson, Gaston Devrient and Tom Morley, hardly Russian-sounding names. Looking at their biographies, all seem to keep about 15 ponies and winter in Argentina – so, polo to the masses?

It was quiet when we got there on the first day of the weekend, a blazingly searing Friday afternoon but they were expecting 22,000 hoorahs and commoners to crowd the park.

As far as I could see, there were youngish blokes on rippling little ponies impressively swinging their mallets into wild backhanders and hurtling around the pitch. They concentrated on hitting the ball from beyond the D-shape where they could score two points – that’s as much as I understood.

‘Watch out girls,’ screamed the Aussie as the horses scrummed at the side of the pitch, sending the skinny girls in floral summer dresses and pearl earrings flying. Still, they were composed enough to expertly capture the men on their cameras. The male spectators were all blue shirts tucked into jeans, loafers and blonde Miami Vice hair greased back.

Everyone piled onto the pitch after the match (I’m afraid I’ve no idea who won) and trod the divots – shuffling the disturbed clods of earth back into the ruffled soil with their feet.

I nipped off instead to the big Elemis spa bus which was parked in the activity area. This is a converted double decker, now painted navy and transformed on the inside to a beauty parlour, that will tour major sporting fixtures and music festivals over the summer. Manisha gave me a 15-minute re-energising backrub using Shiatsu points. This was well needed, for such a slender woman she sure had strong hands. She variously ran them down my spine outwards, before kneading my shoulders and teasing out some of the knots. Then she placed hot stones on the shoulder blades – surprisingly comforting on such a hot day – which she ran down my back before giving it a good old pummel.

Parched, I sought refreshment. But at a reported £7.50 per glass of Pimms, water was getting boring so we snuck off early. If you’re bringing polo to the masses, bring back the cuppas and the hot dogs.

Polo in the Park took place in Hurlingham Park, Fulham, June 4,5 and 6.

Image courtesy of Stock.xchng