South Bank’s Cologne Christmas Market

It’s only November. 2,008 years ago, on this day, Jesus’ lungs wouldn’t have even been properly developed. And yet, the capital is already inundated with yuletide decorations, Frank Sinatra and vendors in red felt hats. Welcome to South Bank’s Christmas market!

Although almost everyone complains about how Christmas is ‘too commercial’ and ‘starts too early’, there’s something about the smell of pine needles that puts people in a good mood. Strolling down Belvedere Road (just off Waterloo bridge and in plain sight of the London Eye), people look cold and in a hurry, but happy and smiling. It could just be the mulled wine though.

The market itself is a half-and-half mix of German food and unisex gifts at reasonable prices. Here you can buy ‘traditional German Christstollen’ (sugar-dusted fruit cakes decorated with ribbons), hot roasted chestnuts (worth every penny) and cookies decorated with seasonal sentiments such as ‘Merry Christmas’, ‘Best Grandmother’ and ‘Chelsea’. If anyone knows why Germany seems to take over the meridian around this time of year, answers on a postcard please.

The gift-themed merchandise, contrary to the food, is so diverse and bizarre that it could be a Christmas special of a Dragon’s Den episode. Here you’ll find little owl statues and decorations. Another stall contains wooden ties (I sure bet your uncle Geoffrey would love one!), another – leather-bound books, or kitsch personalised bedroom door signs. There are toys from Russia and Asia, should that be your Christmas theme du jour.

In a way, it’s nice: everything looks traditional and organic. It’s the kind of thing well-meaning grandmothers buy for your little brother because they thought it was cute. These markets have probably looked the same since the middle ages. Sure, the signs got a bit flashier, and the hand-crafted toys are no longer hand-crafted, but the basic assortment of food and gifts probably hasn’t changed much.

It’s easy to be cynical and dismissive of the Christmas market phenomenon; after all, London offers so much more than just an offshoot of commercialised German tradition. Still, it’s worth going just to feel a bit of metaphorical warmth (or literal, if you get into the aforementioned mulled wine).

The people working behind those kitsch, not-hand-made stalls, they’re all wearing those red felt hats, and they all smile at you. The peanut vendor has old wrinkled hands that are covered in soot from the burnt sugar. The cookie vendors, they probably made some six-year-old kid genuinely happy to see ‘Chelsea’ written in buttercream frosting.

We have 11 months to be grumpy. Why not use the remainder to buy an oversized woollen hat for a tenner and wear it on the tube home, just to make life feel a bit less serious, for everyone?

The Cologne Christmas Market is open from 10am to 10pm, and will be on until December 23
South Bank Centre
SE1 8XX