Dear Mr Motor Offence Office…

Dear Mr Motor Offence Office,

Thank you for your recent letter, it’s been a while since I last heard from you and I was beginning to wonder if you were okay.

Thank you also for the lovely picture you took of me and my car, it was very kind of you to send it through. I will put it with my collection, it’s growing quite rapidly now.

I now realise it was very wrong of me to park near a zebra crossing for six seconds while I let my boyfriend out of the car, very wrong indeed. I hope you will accept the £60 cheque enclosed as a sincere apology – I agree, £10 a second does seem fair. That reminds me – did you get my last cheque too? It was an apology for driving in an unmarked bus lane. I know, I know, you say it was marked, but you always did try to yank my chain, didn’t you! Joker.

I hope you’re putting all the money I send to good use. Paid for an office vending machine, has it? Or some silly string for the Christmas party? Good, I’m glad to see you’re taking some time off, you work too hard. You’re always there when I drive through London Town, flashing your camera at me for no explainable reason other than saying hello. It does cheer my day so when I know I’ve got another letter to look forward to receiving in 10 to 14 days.

Ah, we’ve had some good times together, haven’t we? Remember that time I parked with one tyre on the curb and you put that funny ticket on my window screen? Or that time I parked in the wrong section of the car park? Or when I drove in the lane meant for lorries and not the 4-foot-wide one meant for cars? Oh, we’ve had lots of fun together. Oh, that reminds me – there are some rumours that I drove in a bus lane to avoid a broken down car – please don’t believe them.

But as much as I love our little chats, I can’t help but feel you are becoming a little obsessive. You know where I live, you know that I’m licensed to drive a milk float or whatever that thing on the back of my licence is, and you can probably tell from my photos that I sing along to Busted in the car and suffer from mild road rage. It’s all a bit scary to be honest. I pay you more and more in the hope that perhaps you will take the hint and piss off, but week after week I get a waft of Old Spice and TV dinners for one emanating from my letterbox and lo and behold you’ve sent me another letter.

We’ve had a lovely three years together in London, but I would very much like it if you could leave me alone now. Please. Or I’ll go to the police and let them know you’re stalking me. It’s not normal behaviour; maybe you should talk to someone? Or try a new hobby – perhaps you could take pictures of birds sitting in places they shouldn’t, or children littering? The sky is your limit!

Anyhow, until next time, your faithful pen pal,

Gina Louise.

P.S. Do you mind waiting till after payday to send your next letter through? I have been eating dried beans and ketchup since your last letter and the scurvy’s kicking in.

Image by comedy_nose courtesy of Flickr