10 Reasons Why I Love Wimbledon

As seen through the eyes of my favourite SW19 grand slam delights.

The queue: ‘If decorum were tangible, I would be it. I mean to say, where else in this country could you find a more well mannered, genteel, ordered linage such as I? I ooze solidarity and patriotism, and my lines are as straight as Centre Court’s snowdrop-white markings. Jump me at your peril, scallywags.’

The hard-core fans: ‘I camp out at least four times during the tournament, always with my Union Jack tent, dress, shoes, hat and whatever else I can find really with a Union Jack on, really. I haven’t missed a Murray match yet.’

The staff: ‘I’ve been working the information desk by Court Three since 1972, my darling. Of course the champions come and go, but we at Info Kiosk Three come back every year, charming as ever and ready to direct you to wherever you wish to go. Do you know, I could tell you the location of every single block of loos in this place quicker than a Federer service game?’

Henman Hill: ‘Look, I know I was “rebranded” a few years ago, when a certain grizzly-bearded youngster stepped onto the courts where my namesake left off, but for me, I’ll never be anything but a homage to the Great Man. There’s not a championship goes by when I don’t remember the glory days – I’ve never felt so loved.’

Sue Barker: ‘Is the camera on? No? Quick, Tim, pass me the hair shine spray again, the last can is wearing off. Try to look a bit less gormless this time, okay? On now? And it’s Murray Mania yet again on the twelth day of Wimbledon…’

The Royal Box: ‘Bloody ‘ell fire – Kate n’ Wills, Anna Wintour and Sir Steve Redgrave! I ‘ave ‘ad a corker of a year I tell thee. An’ I ‘ave to say, what about Kate’s dress eh? What A Stunner! I tried to order one for meself but t’internet told me they’d all sold out. I’ll ‘ave to be quicker next year.’

The Roof: ‘Being such a controversy at this world-famous tournament was quite the predicament for me, but now, of course, my critics are laughing on the other sides of their faces. I’m an all round success. No question.’

The ball boys and girls: ‘Basically, if we see a ball, we have to run after it really, really, really fast, like as fastest as we can and then we have to crouch back down by the net and try not to breathe. My dad was really proud of me yesterday because one of Nadal’s balls hit me in the head and I didn’t even flinch.’

The strawberries: ‘Yum yum yum, we’re so happy and shiny red and English! They thought there wouldn’t be enough of us this year but we made it! Long live the cream.’

Judy Murray: ‘I’m rrrrrready to kill, you know that son? If that Spaniard darrrrrrrres think he can beat you again next yearrrrrrrrr, I’ll be there with the poison darrrrrrrrrt. What’s that son? No I won’t stop tweeting. The newspapers love it.’

Image by Marc Di Luzio