Wagner to Win? Yes, Really!

X Factor. I’ve tried not to watch it, I really have. But it exerts a strange kind of power, with its flashy lights and loud booming voice man. It’s like some kind of weird, futuristic apocalypse, annihilating everything in its path. Oh, apart from Katie, who would probably survive a nuclear holocaust with nothing more than a slightly singed fake eyelash, then proceed to sit on the floor and cry until someone bought her another set from Boots.

I’m resigned to the fact that I will probably continue to watch X Factor until the end is nigh, but what’s making it strangely bearable is the distant dream…

The dream that Wagner might actually win.

Oh shut up X Factor purists. You, the ones who actually go to watch the live show and boo when Wagner gets through and cry because JLS’s harmonising was just so beautiful. You can all piss off. I’m talking to everyone else.

Honestly, what choice do we have?

Islington-dweller Paije was the Londoner’s only real home-grown contestant, and now that he’s gone to be a little ‘Lenny Henry’ somewhere else, our remaining choices are questionable to say the least. A couple of weeks ago, I would probably have said something witty about Cher looking like she lives in a caravan with ten relatives and a snarling dog, but it turns out she actually does, thus ruining all my fun.

My fun has been further ruined by One Direction, who have singlehandedly aged me by about 60 years over the course of the last month. Seriously, their average age cannot be higher than ten. They should be in bed before the end of the results show with a cup of cocoa reading Winnie the Pooh. I shudder to imagine how many fizzy drinks and sweets they chow down in an attempt to stay awake through Katie’s weekly Sunday night musical breakdown.

Mary seemed promising at the beginning, but I’m not entirely sure how no one has yet worked out that she is actually Louis’ mum – presumably brought in to make sure he doesn’t make any embarrassing comments on live TV. She’s not doing a great job so far.

Matt and Rebecca are great singers, and neither make me want to throw small animals at the television, or drive across London purely on the offchance that I might get the opportunity to punch them in the face. I admit this is a start. But can either of them sing Bat out of Hell in a Brazilian accent?

Oh Wagner…how I love thee. Let me count the ways. You have a ponytail and wear hoop earrings. Proper hoops! Like Cher’s family wear. You used to teach PE. You wear white and rhinestones without a hint of irony. And I believe there is a picture of you, an actual photo, taken on an actual camera, where you are holding a lion by the tail.

Yes readers, this is just the kind of man Wagner is. This is why it would make me indescribably happy if the X Factor gods acquired a sense of humour, and Wagner somehow won the whole show and got to release the X Factor Christmas single.

Judging by previous years’ offerings, the X Factor Christmas single will probably involve a very cheesy cover version of what was once an acceptable ballad,  which will be played incessantly on Capital FM, on the hour every hour, until sometime in mid-January. The song will of course be accompanied by a black and white video of the winner surrounded by candles and snow.

Close your eyes and imagine it. Wagner singing Tears in Heaven, occasionally banging for no apparent reason on a nearby, tinsel-strewn bongo. A dove flies slowly towards the camera, as Wagner blows us a kiss. As the song builds pace, Wagner suddenly ignites his polyester shellsuit on a nearby candle, and bursts into flames. Cut to a slowly panning shot of Wagner, mysteriously un-singed, dragging a lion across a snowy field by its tail. Katie bursts into view singing Under the Sea from The Little Mermaid, pursued by three beleaguered X Factor producers who drag her, kicking and screaming, out of shot. ‘You didn’t win, Katie. This really has to stop.’

Of course, this would all be a step too far. It would simply not be funny. It might even make a mockery of the very important, televisual, emotional, music-tastical experience that is X Factor. People might stop taking it seriously and simply not read the daily updates about how Harry from One Direction trod in some chewing gum, and Matt is wearing a hat. An actual hat.

That would be a sad day indeed.

Image by Personeelsnet courtesy of Flickr