Le UK… ‘Nil Points!’

Yes, it’s that time of year again. The event we all love to hate yet somehow end up watching year after year. The über-camp eastern bloc love fest that is the Eurovision Song Contest! I am aware that the show does provoke disdain from a lot of viewers, but seriously, what is not to love??? Hideous songs, outrageous outfits, dated dance routines, cringeworthy presenting, major ass-kissing and France singing a coma-inducing ballad… every year!

Back to its Eurovision roots, the 2013 show will be hosted this year by Sweden and promises to be a corker, although, I am quite worried that nothing is going to top last year’s Russian grannies who managed to bake an entire loaf of bread during their song. Amazing. A sneak peak at Greece’s entry shows them perhaps adopting a new ploy to boost local tourism with their song entitled, ‘Alcohol is Free’. This year’s UK entry is yet another golden oldie, Bonnie Tyler, whose song has no doubt already gone viral on Radio 2. Who would have thought that it could get worse than Engelbert eh?

Thankfully there are now viewing parties popping up all over London to commemorate this kitchtastic event, including at Soho’s Green Carnation, Battersea’s Bunga Bunga and Bethnal Green’s Working Men’s Club.

Although all great options, I still think the best way to enhance your euroviewing experience is to watch it at home. So here are some must haves for your ultimate eurobash:

Décor – Flags, flags, flags. Use your printer at work, left over chopsticks and start waving!

Costumes – Take this as an opportunity to be as flamboyant, political and un-pc as you want so bring on the national stereotypes! Yes it’s time to get the lederhosen and flamenco gear out of the loft… anything goes when you’re at home behind closed doors!

Food& Booze – You’ll obviously have no chance of enjoyment/laughter/seeing the irony without alcohol being involved, so why not make themed bevies and accompanying bites? This is where Eurovision’s loose term of what is ‘Europe’ comes in handy, as you now have an increasingly vast array of cuisines and national drinks to choose from. Why not make a foray into Azerbaijani vodka or on-trend Israeli food?

Scoring – It’s always good to add a competitive/partisan edge to the festivities, so make everyone give each song a score of 1 to 8, then the 10 and that all important douze points. I tend to allow scores to be re-adjusted later; since the performances do get more entertaining as the night progresses… and coincidentally, as your alcohol intake increases.

Subtitles – This is a genius idea, enabling you to sing-a-long whilst adding a karaoke element, although it was more fun before all the countries started to sing in English. Oh well, there’s always France.

And there you have it. All that is left is for you to take a seat, back Bonnie, enjoy Graham’s witty repartee (yes, the Wogan mourning period is over people) and get ready to scream…’ Good Evening Sweden!!!’

Shame about no Jedward this year. I really thought they had found their spiritual home.

Image by Amio Cajander courtesy of Flickr

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