21
Jan
2013

Queen Elizabeth’s What, Now?

2012 was a Jubilee year. Even if no one told you, surely it was easy enough to guess something was afoot? For starters, Jessie J and Paul McCartney shared a stage outside Buck House – solid proof that someone somewhere (in this case, bizarrely, Gary Barlow) was cackhandedly attempting to showcase ‘a cross-section of British culture’. The day before, under the cover of heavy rain, London suffered a naval invasion led by Ben Fogle, Boris Johnson, and some Maoris. When things this weird start happening, it is clear that Britain must be celebrating.

On top of all these shenanigans, the powers-that-be decided to start naming things after Her Maj. Throughout the year, an assortment of weird and wonderful people/places/objects were named after Liz or her Jubilee. Contrary to popular belief, Rihanna’s latest assault on the pop world,  Diamonds, was not one of them.

Now I’ve got no problem with naming anything in honour of our dear old Queen. In my opinion, she’s a stellar lady who’s been doing a tricky job with consistent sophistication and composure for sixty years. And considering the amount of times her family have managed to get their genitals caught on camera, this has been no mean feat.

No, my issue is with those who do the naming. Specifically, with the awful names they manage to cook up!

Case 1: renaming the Big Ben tower ‘Elizabeth Tower’. This option is pathetic and safe, and misses some great opportunities. For example, rename it the ‘Big Bong’ and have a Bob Marley museum halfway up and a Cypress Hill tribute act busking outside. Alternatively, just admit that no one knew the original name in the first place and insist it be forever more referred to as The Tower That Must Not Be Named. Mystery is sexy…

Case 2: renaming part of the Antarctic ‘Queen Elizabeth Land’. This one upset the Argentines (to be honest, what doesn’t at the moment?), but I reckon they should have been more concerned with the clunkiness of the new name than any perceived infringement on their sovereign rights. I mean it’s hardly catchy is it? Let’s say global warming sees Antarctica thawing out and people going to live there. Who could be bothered saying that every time? No, it would invariably be shortened to ‘Lizland’ – which sounds like an (admittedly brilliant) theme park. This place needs a powerful name, something to instil patriotism! My suggestions would be: Majesterium, Windsoria, or Corgistan.

Finally, Case 3: a raven at the Tower has been named ‘Jubilee’. This is an abysmal name for a raven! Ravens are indisputably one of the most badass birds around. Harbingers of horror, gorging on battlefield eyeballs, nabbing tourist’s snacks… I’m sure if Liz had named this bird she would have come up with something more appropriate. Something like ‘Nightslayer”. Or ‘Kim Korvidian’. Or ‘Roger’.

I am not happy. And I hope the Commission for Unsuitably Naming Traditional Symbols see this as a justified rant, and SORT IT OUT!

Image by ell brown courtesy of Flickr 

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