Not many things make me venture south of the river, least of all to Clapham. I’m a Clapham-hater, if you will. But, there is one thing that Clapham does well – other than to churn out Jack Wills-clad, Ray-Banned PRs, that is – and that’s massage.

Lavender Hill Health and Beauty Studios in Clapham Junction makes me want to breathe the same air as the rest of SW4. At £30 for an hour-long massage, it’s the most credit-crunching massage in London I’ve ever found.

The parlour itself is inconspicuous, occupying a small space on Lavender Hill between various chippies and newsagents. It offers both Swedish and Thai massage. I went for an hour-long, full-body Thai (not because I know the difference, I still don’t, but apparently they ‘maul you about a bit more’ according to a friend).

Boy, was I mauled. It started innocuously enough, with the Thai masseuse instructing me to remove my clothes (ALL of them, although I drew the line at my pants) and lie face down on the bed, in a small dark room filled with what looked like smoke mirrors. The rooms themselves aren’t exactly easy on the eye, but for 30 quid, who’s complaining? The masseuse then leaped on top of me, writhing her small body on my larger one, digging her nails into my shoulders.

Every bone in my body was cracked and pulled. After half an hour kneading, slapping and laying flat on my back, she asked me to flip over. Being naked from the waist up only registered about two minutes later, when she asked if I would like my boobs massaged – a question to which I answered a swift ‘no’.

Before visiting Lavender Hill I was a full-body massage virgin, only having had the ol’ back pummelled a few times. Having my legs massaged was a completely new experience, as was having each finger pulled and stroked individually. Odd, but weirdly relaxing, if you forget that you are not wearing anything on top.

The hour ended with a gentle head massage, before the lights were switched on, bringing the experience to a sharp stop. Another redeeming feature of this parlour is the sauna and steam room, where after your massage, you can sit back and relax – it’s a more holistic experience.

Whilst not more relaxing than previous massages (you know, where they slap a bit of sandalwood on your shoulders and press around a bit), I felt lighter afterwards than I had in ages. Weeks of sitting slumped over a desk and computer screen do take their toll, and on the bus home I could feel the aches slipping away. So much so, that thankfully I forgot I was even in Clapham. 

Lavender Hill Health and Beauty Studios
93 Lavender Hill
Clapham
SW11 5GL

Tel: 020 7738 1412